Taking off the Mask

               I had the idea to start a blog where I would share who I really was, a promise to myself to start taking more steps towards authenticity, and I dove in headfirst, immediately sharing two posts, and scheduling two more. Then, I shared the link on my author IG and my views started going up on my site within minutes.

               Panic sank in and my heart raced. I wanted to shut it down, hide, bury who I was and the words I was sharing. Every time I’ve attempted to be ME in the past, I’ve been met with judgement, ridicule, hate, and in the church—deliverance sessions. I’ve been blocked by family and friends for asking questions, ostracized for being too open, gossiped about for my quirks or stims.

               And I finally got to a place where I felt it was time to stop caring about the opinions of sheep, but there’s unresolved trauma creeping to the surface that I’ll need to deal with. I don’t want to be rejected any more for being myself. I can handle query rejections, but rejections about who I am as a person are a lot harder to deal with.

               I get it, the brighter we shine, the more we irritate the darkness in others. It’s true, but also cliché. I’m sharing things here that I’ve only trusted with a select few because I live in a different world, and I know it doesn’t make sense to those who haven’t experienced it. It took me two NDE’s before I finally allowed myself to accept who I was. The odds of those who are cruel to me going through something that severe and accepting themselves enough not to cast judgement is slim to none.

               When you’ve felt alone for so long and then choose to talk about things that can open yourself up to a familiar pain you’ve tried so hard to escape, it’s scary.

But I need to be me, and I hope that you choose to be you.

 I fully believe part of the auto immune crisis is an identity crisis. We are forced to fit a mold, to stifle and reject who we are, and it causes so much stress on our bodies, our bodies attack themselves. So, I’m determined to keep posting and hopefully I’ll encourage others to step out of the shadows and share their truths with the world. I know it’s not easy, but please know you’re not alone.

It's a ripple effect, if one of us goes against the flow, eventually others will join, and we can change the current. If I can encourage one person to go against the flow with me and embrace their identity, then I will feel like I’ve succeeded.

And if not, well, I’ll still work through this process on my own dang it. I’m too stubborn to quit.